Is a lack of self-confidence on of the latest existing taboos?

A lack of self-confidence seems to be one of the latest existing taboos in the world, where you can achieve anything as long as you believe in yourself and do your best. Consequently, we try to hide our low self-esteem under perfectionism. But what exactly brings perfectionism to the table? Spanjaardt Coaching provides insights in your talents and your improvement areas. 

We avoid talking about it: having low or no self-confidence. Before you know it, you have been labeled as insecure which isn’t a smart move for your career either. Having a low self-esteem doesn’t appear to coincide with the thought we had for the last 20 or 30 years: you can achieve anything as long as you do your best and shine of confidence. You’ll notice that unfortunately this is not always the case in real life, which slashes your confidence. In most cases, a lack of confidence hides underneath behavior such as perfectionism. This blog describes how difficult it is to be satisfied with yourself and your performance.

In my practice I often run into this subject and I identify it by the following behavioral characteristics:  

• Working really hard
• Always looking at things that aren’t there rather than on the things that are there
• Not celebrating successes 
• Putting high pressure and expectations on themselves and others
• Minor job satisfaction 

I notice that it often takes a while before I can bring insecurity, having a low self-esteem and perfectionism to the table. It is often perceived as uncomfortable and unpleasant when talking about imperfections, failures and not being able to do things. 

Perfectionism as nickname 

People with a lower self-esteem tend to express this in perfectionism. Perfectionism definitely has its perks: identifying pitfalls and issues in a plan or project is very useful. However, I also see that people are using perfectionism as their nickname and is only perceived as a positive thing. It is often described as: “I am in control!”, “I am just showing ambition!” or “I just want to perform at my best!”.

When describing perfectionism in this way, it blinds you for the negative side effects it has for yourself and your surroundings. Managers with a perfectionistic view often give less compliments, interfere too much and set way too high standards and expectations to their teams.  This is not only inconvenient for the team, but also for the perfectionist itself. Constantly having the feeling that it’s not enough, wasting energy on focusing on problems rather than opportunities and becoming isolated as a result of setting high demands for themselves and surroundings. Last but not least, it can even lead to a burn-out as a consequence of excessive hard working! 

I would like to ask everyone who recognizes themselves in this blog if they can ask themselves what perfectionism means to you. Don’t be afraid to openly think about that! 

Pippi Longstocking always thinks constructive 

Having few or none self-confidence can arise in the following manners: 

• Comparing yourself with others with an outstanding performance, or at least who communicate their outstanding performance. Especially young adults tend to experience this burden. 
• Surrounding yourself between extremely intelligent people that make you feel like you are dumb whereas you are completely normal.
• Being bullied at school or having a partner in which you were never enough. 
• Having parents with high expectations and you could not always perform on that level.
• Constantly walking on your toes as a result of setting the bar too high.

A low self-esteem is often also the reason why we don’t dare to tackle new challenges and don’t exceed ourselves. Pippi Longstocking has become role model for confidence by her following quote: “I have never tried that before, so I think I should definitely be able to do that.” Personally I always think the following in new situations: I am not sure, but I will see what happens. This is what we call constructive thinking.  

Being the boss of your own thoughts 

It genuinely touches me when I coach talented people in my practice who don’t have enough confidence in their own abilities. One of the things we always do is testing our own thoughts, getting a grip on that and changing that to positive thoughts. Because you can really suffer from the things -the deepest beliefs-  you say to yourself. Is it really true that you always need to provide a ten? Are you really not good enough? Do they really think that you are dumb? Is it really true? 

When examining these thoughts thoroughly in combination with some feedback questions, we clarify and relieve a lot. Asking yourself feedback questions can be done with small steps such as: what did you think of my first concept of this note? Thinking differently and positively often helps as well. For example, intent to only look at the positive sides of things every day for a week. Tell yourself this three times a day: it doesn’t have to be perfect to have effect. It demands an excessive amount of courage not to perform a ten, to let things go and shifting things to someone else. In the first place this brings fear and nerves, but once you passed this it will give you more insights, peace and tranquility. 

I am good with all that I am 

Being happy with yourself and all that you have results in having a better and happier life. You shouldn’t forget you have it in you! Everyone is unique with his or hers own talents. I am more than happy to help you with enhancing your self-esteem, discovering your talents and also identify your improvement areas. Send me an email for a free intake astrid@spanjaardtcoaching.nl. 

Astrid Spanjaardt
Spanjaardt Coaching